I Can't Even Get Under Anyone Else

You know that saying, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else? I want to do that. I'm dying to do that. But the problem is I don't really want to do that, and then when I tried to throw myself into it, the man I chose to do it with didn't want to do it either. He was too tired from a recent breakup. He said he was tired. I said I felt too beat up. Really what kind of beginning is that? Hahaha. Reading back over that it sounds like we met in a nursing home.  Luckily, I was kindly, sweetly, ouchly told that nope, he did not want to date the Queenpin.

Jeez. Give the Queenpin a break, does my ego really need to be trimmed down this much, dear Committee? Obviously, it does. Obviously this woman has got to stew for a bit, and toughen up, and white knuckle it through this mother fucking breakup with my Sweet Escape.

I'm trying to do it different this time. My Sweet Escape and I have broken up so many times before, only to fall back into the same pattern weeks later. This time I swore it would be different. I burned or put up for sale the postcards I made him. I smudged all the jewelry he gave me with sage, but most of all I decided to try to find someone else. A rebound, or a man to get under, or a just a little something different. Something to break the tie that keeps me returning to this man that I cannot seem to get out of my heart and my mind.

And it was fun and tortuous at the same time. The first thing I did was join a dating site. That lasted two weeks, it actually made me physically ill to log on. I decided that wasn't for me. Then I met a man and asked him for coffee. It was fun, and he was nice. But here's the thing about me right now, I am in the most over the top of my over the topness. Maybe when you are in the Hulk-ness phase of your AFGO you should not date. This new man, he was just not that into me.

I guess it all returns to that Sweet Escape shaped hole, that is really a God shaped hole in my soul. So far the things that have NOT filled it are:

potato chips and dip
chocolate

donuts
dating sites
texting, phone calls, and date with Mr. He's Not That Into Me
sleep
TJ Maxx
wine and Killian's Red
blogging (obsessive checking of my stats -- my deep dark secret)
Facebook (my most recent status update says Let's just skip all the BS. Validate me. And yes, I was completely serious when I posted it)

The worst thing I did after being ever so gently let down was text my Ex-Sweet Escape. That did not make it better and really was about as fun as tying myself to the back of a pickup and being dragged through a gravel pit and then jumping in a nice salt bath. Mmmmm-mmmmm good. Feel the burn. Yep that's my heart.

The funny thing is the main reason why I asked Mr. Not That Into Me to get coffee was that he was glowing from being single. From the joy of being on his own. I have been in that very place and it was such a delicious spot when I got there, however, after the break up with my Sweet Escape I feel too tired, too whipped, to do the work to get there. I think by asking that man out, I may have been attempting my own small attack of the body snatchers. Maybe I could suck that out of him and into me, in some Harry Potter, voodoo princess kind of way I could steal his Zen and make it mine (I know my mind is so scary when I share it. You should come on it for a peak. I only write about the tip of the iceberg).

I think the Universe is sick of me trying to avoid this lesson. I keep trying to say fuck it, but the damn Universe is determined. The Committee is listening to my prayer that I learn the lessons I need to learn from all this pain and confusion. The lesson that IT, that something I keep searching for, is all within me. These outside things will not fix my sense that something is not right. Only I can do that. From within. Friggin' growth.